Never Really Wanted
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: All of the times that she tried to catch my eye. Now I hear that she's crushing on another guy. Why do we always want what we can't have?


Listening to the radio, I was struck by how much this song reminded me of Lassiter. It's called Never Really Wanted, by Eric Pasley. It was a bit of a challenge to write Lassiter this way, but I think I did pretty well. Enjoy, and please review!

Disclaimer: Not mine!

PsychPsychPsychPsychPsych

Carlton Lassiter sighed as he ran his hand roughly over his face. It was after seven at the precinct, and most of the other detectives had gone home already. But he usually never went home before eight or nine. He didn't really have anyone or anything to go home for, anyway.

Ever since his divorce, the only place he really went other than work and home was the cop bar down the street. There he could drink away his sorrows and quiet his demons for just a little while.

He squinted and tried to focus on the computer screen in front of him. At least he had the job. Here, he didn't feel like such a loser and a failure. Here he was respected, admired, and even feared. And that was the way he liked it.

A low whistle went up from the other side of the room, and Lassiter scowled. "Knock it off!" But then he looked up, and he had to remind himself to breathe.

Juliet O'Hara sashayed across the floor, a smirk on her face. Wearing a black, knee length dress that hugged her curves in all the right ways, she had never looked more stunning to Lassiter. Her hair fell in soft waves down past her shoulders, and a pair of black sandals completed the outfit.

He leaned back in his chair, not wanting to stare but unable to help himself. Her lips were the most perfect shade of pink, and soft blue eyeshadow brought out her eyes in a way that made Lassiter want to lose himself in them.

He scowled. What the hell? She wasn't beautiful. She was his partner. He wasn't supposed to think of her in any other way. Why was he doing it now?

_There she goes, little black dress on_

_Standing with the other girls_

_Wearing velvet and pearls _

_Looking so fine, so fine_

He couldn't deny that he had noticed her before. In previous months, she had been presenting herself in a more feminine way. She had changed perfumes and went from chapstick to a subtle gloss that was just…

Shifting uncomfortably in the chair, he rubbed the back of his neck. He hadn't been so dense that he had missed all of these little things. She had been dropping little hints to him, but he had refused to acknowledge them, instead playing the partner card again. If he allowed himself to become distracted in any way by her, the results could be catastrophic. Someone could die.

And worst of all, he could get his heart broken, again.

Juliet finally reached his desk, and he swallowed hard before looking up to meet her eyes. "O'Hara. You look… nice."

She gave him a dazzling smile. "Thank you, Carlton. I have a date."

He tried not to look interested. "Oh? With who?"

"Shawn Spencer." As she said his name, her eyes lit up, and Lassiter's heart sank.

_All the times that she tried to catch my eye_

_Now I hear she's crushing on another guy_

_Why do we always want _

_What we can't have?_

Of course… What had he been thinking? Spencer was her age, not her partner, decent looking enough, not her partner, women found him funny, not her partner…

Juliet waved a hand in front of her partner's face. "Carlton?"

Lassiter jerked out of his self-deprecating thoughts. "Well, have a nice night," he finally managed, forcing a smile. She certainly deserved to have some fun.

"Thank you, Carlton. I will." She turned to walk away.

"O'Hara?"

She turned around, looking at him expectantly. "What is it, Carlton?"

He swallowed thickly. "Never mind. Good night."

"Night."

She walked away, and he was left wondering what the hell he was thinking.

_I never really wanted _

_Never really wanted that girl_

_I never really wanted_

_Wanted her in my world_

_I never really wanted that girl_

_Oh, but now I do_

"Shawn, give that back!"

"No way. You used this to trick me, you sly woman." He held up the tube of pineapple lipgloss.

"Maybe." She tried to snatch it from his hand, but lost her balance and fell into his arms.

With a laugh, Shawn cuddled her to his chest and nuzzled her cheek.

From behind his computer, Lassiter scowled at the scene in front of him. Ever since their first date almost two months ago, they had practically been inseparable. They had tried to hide it at first, but then Juliet went to Chief Vick and told her what was going on. At first, Vick had been reluctant to encourage the fledgling relationship, but after a long talk with both Juliet and Shawn, she finally agreed to turn a blind eye to what was going on between them.

A small part of Lassiter had hoped that she would do something about it, but short of breaking them up, what could he do? They seemed genuinely happy together. Lassiter wanted her for himself, but that was the one fact he kept strictly to himself. He had never wanted her before, but now that Spencer had her, she was all he could think about.

He had never noticed all of those little things about her that now seemed so obvious. The way her eyes danced when Spencer was around, the cute way she chewed on her lower lip when she was nervous or deep in thought…

Juliet giggled, distracting Lassiter from his thoughts.

_I never noticed how the woman's eyes can dance_

_But from the outside in_

_Looks like the dance is for him_

_Leaves me wondering, wondering_

Why hadn't he seen any of this before? Sure, they were partners, but he could have transferred. He could have won her heart, if he had tried. He could have been happy, if he had just spoken up once.

But he hadn't, and now she was long gone.

A couple of nights later found Lassiter in the one place a cop never wanted to end up.

A hospital.

He felt sick as he leaned against the wall. Just a few hours ago, another lifetime ago, Juliet had made the one sacrifice Lassiter had never wanted her to make.

She had taken a bullet from him.

He closed his eyes, and in his mind's eye he saw her step in front of him, saw her body jerk as the bullet entered her vulnerable skin. Her pained cry filled his ears, and his senses were overwhelmed by the sound and the smell of gunpowder as he emptied his clip into the bastard's head, killing him before he could blink.

Opening his eyes, he looked down at his shirt, stained with Juliet's blood. He remembered catching her in his arms, and the indeterminable wait for the ambulance to get there.

The door opened, and Shawn poked his head into the hallway. "Come on, Lassiter."

Lassiter hesitated before easing into the room. This was something he had hoped to never see. Juliet was in the bed, pale and small under the hospital issued blankets. An IV ran into her arm, and assorted machinery surrounded her bed.

And yet, she had never looked more beautiful to him.

She stirred, groaning softly. Lassiter started to move, but before he could blink, Shawn was at her side. He watched, his heart thudding, as the younger man leaned over and kissed Juliet gently.

_Why is it now I see her in a different light?_

_If I could turn back time, I would tonight_

_Why do we always want_

_What we can't have?_

Later that night, Lassiter stumbled into his apartment and collapsed onto his couch. After leaving the hospital, he had gone to his favorite bar and had a few drinks. The doctors were certain that Juliet was going to be just fine, but he still felt sick over the entire thing. She should have never stepped in front of him. That bullet was intended for him, and he would have gladly taken it to spare her. But she had taken that out of the equation with a single step to her left.

And he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to forgive her for that.

He looked around the pitifully empty apartment. No wife, no children…not even a lousy houseplant. His life was completely empty, and he would never have Juliet.

_I never really wanted _

_Never really wanted that girl_

_I never really wanted_

_Wanted her in my world_

_I never really wanted that girl_

_Oh, but now I do_

The next morning, Lassiter trudged down the hospital corridor on his way to Juliet's room. His head pounded and his breath reeked of whiskey, but at least he was standing. And the thought of seeing Juliet again was sobering.

He rounded the corner and was surprised to see Spencer standing by Juliet's door. He was on the phone, and when he saw Lassiter, he gave a little wave and closed the phone.

"Hey, Lassiter."

Lassiter nodded. "How is O'Hara?"

"She's doing good. Why don't you go see her? I know she'd like to see you."

The older man hesitated before walking toward his partner's door. But before he touched the door handle, he turned and looked at Spencer. "You're lucky, Spencer."

Shawn lifted an eyebrow curiously.

"You have an amazing woman. Hang onto her." It was the mistake Lassiter had made, not holding onto her.

Shawn stared at Lassiter for a moment. "Yeah, Lassie. I know. And… I really love her."

"Good. Treat her right."

Shawn suddenly sidestepped Lassiter and hurried into his girlfriend's room. Curious, Lassiter followed the younger man.

Gus, Henry Spencer, McNabb and several officers were already jammed into Juliet's hospital room. She was sitting up in the bed, her face pale but her eyes sharp as ever. When she saw Shawn, she lit up.

Shawn made his way to the bed and leaned down, gathering Juliet into his arms.

Juliet happily nestled into her boyfriend's arms, mindful of her own injury.

He kissed the top of her head. "Jules, I have something to tell you."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

She grinned. "I love you, too, Shawn."

Lassiter watched Shawn and Juliet, and the lump in his throat grew bigger.

_You better get that girl while the getting's good_

_There's a list of fools who wish they could _

_Why do we always want _

_What we can't have?_

Reaching down, Shawn placed his finger under her chin. Then he gently lifted her head until he could see her eyes.

She smiled up at him.

A sort of silence fell over the room, and for a moment, they existed only for each other.

"Marry me, Juliet."

Her eyes lit up, and she couldn't speak for a moment.

He continued to search her eyes, his heart racing.

"Yes. Of course I'll marry you, Shawn."

A delighted laugh escaped him as he pulled her closer and wrapped his strong arms around her. "Thank you…"

The group of onlookers murmured approvingly, and Henry had to look away to hide the tears threatening to gather in his eyes.

Lassiter stared at the young couple as they kissed again, and quietly he slipped out of the room. Shawn had proposed, and Juliet had accepted. It was really over. He had lost her for good.

But in his heart, he knew that she had never been his to begin with.

_I never really wanted _

_Never really wanted that girl_

_I never really wanted_

_Wanted her in my world_

_I never really wanted that girl_

_Oh, but now I do_

That night, after spending much of the day walking around Santa Barbara, Lassiter finally found himself at home again. He had called to tell Juliet congratulations, and she had sounded so happy as she spoke with him. Shawn had really taken his advice to heart, and he didn't know how to feel about that.

But, he supposed, if Juliet was truly happy, then he would find a way to be happy for her. She deserved that much from him.

He let himself into his apartment and turned on the TV. For a moment, he considered digging out that bottle of Johnny Walker, but he decided against it.

He wanted to be sober in the morning when he went back to see Juliet at the hospital.

There was a message left on his phone, and he hit Play before sitting down.

"Hey, Carlton. I just wanted to say thank you." Juliet's voice filled the living room, and he closed his eyes as he listened to her. "For everything. Call me when you get this."

The message ended, and he picked up his phone, debating for a moment whether or not to call her. Finally he dialed her cell phone and waited.

"Hello?"

Lassiter leaned back. "Hey, Juliet."

"Carlton. Look, I had something I wanted to ask you."

"What is it?"

"I want you to give me away at my wedding."

He closed his eyes. "I… I'd be honored, Juliet."

She grinned on the other end of the line. "Thank you, Carlton. Are you going to come by in the morning?"

"Of course I will."

"Good." She paused for a moment. "Then I'll see you then."

"You will," he assured her before hanging up the phone.

Maybe things hadn't gone the way he'd hoped, but he did love Juliet, and he wanted her to be happy. And if Spencer treated her right and made her happy, then that was good enough for him.

He leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes.

"Be happy, Juliet."

_I never really wanted _

_Never really wanted that girl_

_I never really wanted_

_Wanted her in my world_

_I never really wanted that girl_

_Oh, but now I do_

The End.

A/N: Aww, sad Lassie face. Ah, next time I'll give him a happy ending! Or, I'll try at least... Thanks for reading, and please review!_  
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